These are confusing times. Anything is possible. Anything.
Yesterday, I went downtown early in the morning with my ally, Brian, who has been commissioned to film the process of two murals being painted. Brian flies drones and sells his aerial photography services to anyone who needs them. I went with him to scope out the site, meet the muralist and film the boom lift being set up.
Downtown Greensboro is nice in the early morning before all of the hullabaloo of the day begins. I guess almost any place is nice during that time, when the world has not yet swung into full motion. It is conducive to a peaceful, contemplative state of mind. I wandered about taking photos of emptiness and quiet.
A car pulled up and three people emerged. I looked for the muralist. Brian had the impression, for some reason, that the muralist is from China. I observed a white man, a black man and a brown girl. There was no overtly Chinese-looking person. The young girl approached me with a large smile and introduced herself. She was the most exotic looking of the three and I looked for indications that she might be from China. I decided looks cannot be trusted and she must be the muralist. The fact that she looked no older than 12 made me doubt this belief and I considered simply saying, "Are you the muralist," but thought that would be rude. Instead, I waited for the information to present itself as information often will.
Let us focus on this state for a moment. For a second, I believed that a girl, age12, had been commissioned to paint two gigantic and prominently located murals in Greensboro. That reality existed in my brain. This experience can be attributed to a state of magical thinking: a moment in which anything is possible. There are no fixed definitions of anything. There are no imposed boundaries or beliefs. In the world of magical thinking, there is absolute freedom and expansiveness.
To experience such freedom even for a second is such a blissful thing. This passes quickly, for the constraints of the world are quickly imposed upon us. There isn't much room for magical thinking in the hullabaloo.
As such, it was determined that the white man is the muralist. The information regarding the muralist being from China did not reveal itself. Nor did I seek clarification.
The importance of this missive is to define that moment in which all possibilities are equally viable. A clown can be president. A boddhisatva can be a dishwasher. Friends can become enemies. Enemies can become friends. Truth can overcome lies. Justice can be delivered. People can have enough to eat. Healthcare can be available to everyone. The power that was put into the hands of the wealthy can be taken from them. We can live in solidarity with one another. We can care for each other. There is such freedom, such expansion in these thoughts. Let us focus our attention there. We must silence the inner editor and actively put our attention into that space of any and all possibilities. And someday, a 12-year-old girl with exotic eyes and brown skin will paint a gigantic mural in a prominent location in your town.
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Friday, August 4, 2017
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Brain Drain #1: Making the World a Better Place In the Tiniest Possible Ways
It is difficult for me to embrace the changing of the seasons. Particularly this year, as I have enjoyed a good deal of sunshine this summer. Spending time in the sun has, in fact, become part of my daily routine. I will miss it when the days grow short.
September is much different for me this year. I left my job at Planet Care and have been doing odd jobs to make ends meet: jobs such as weeding gardens, cleaning out gutters, pet-sitting, interior house-painting. I've been using my muscles, sweating, getting dehydrated, re-hydrating, but especially spending time in the sun. This sort of hard, physical work, this being outdoors and next to the sun, has helped me to feel my Self - an unadulterated sense of who I am, how to take care of myself, and how to begin to peaceably co-exist with others.
I was walking my dog, Soupy Sales, this morning when I noticed a student walking to the Higher Education Area Transit (HEAT) stop. She seemingly wanted to avoid any interaction. But I spoke a greeting and wished her a good day. She smiled in a genuine manner and seemed grateful for this small kindness. And I wondered about that.
Do today's youth feel it is necessary to be prepared for bad things at all times? Do most of us feel this is necessary?
I have a lot of compassion for today's youth because in my opinion they have lost a connection to their source: the earth. Not all of them. But it occurs to me that people who grow up in cities without easy access to nature are cheated. They are exposed to a denser concentration of culture. And maybe that serves as a means of connecting to the earth. I may not know what I'm talking about. It just seems to me that there is a fundamental urge in us all to feel connected to the land. And this may not be immediately apparent to people who have never had access to nature.
Maybe I'm projecting.
But the youth of today have extremely challenging conditions in which to grow up. There are not many decent role models in positions of leadership, for example. The current state of the economy creates significant financial obstacles. Prejudice comes in many varieties and manifests in extreme forms. The environment needs tender loving care, yet power possessing beings who are controlled by greed and power lust will continue to do things to the environment to further hurt it. I don't know how I would feel growing up in such a world as this. When I was 18, I was aware of the bullshit in the world but felt a sense of hope, a sense that obstacles could be overcome.
I continue to experience this hope, though it has taken on a different form from that of my 18 year-old self. When I was 18, for example, there seemed to be breathing room, a sense of expansiveness left on the planet. This was in 1979. Today, there is less breathing room, less space left in which to create something new. Maybe this is just a perspective of my advancing age. But it seems that as compared with 1979, there are many more obstacles to overcome in this world.
Far from making me discouraged, I believe in the resilience and the intelligence of human beings. I know that we are smart. I know we can create a better set of conditions in which our youth may grow and carry hope in their hearts. I feel a deep responsibility to future generations to work like hell for the duration of my life to address all the issues I mentioned above.
I have a request to make of you at this point, gentle reader: I ask that you consider every action, every word spoken, with great care. Consider how it will help. And I would ask that if you see there is no use in contributing an action or a word to our planetary zeitgeist, if it would be harmful rather than helpful, would you please refrain from executing this action or this speech?
Be mindful that every small word and deed affects the greater whole.
In a similar vein, rather than focus on each other's differences, can we please focus on our similarities? For example, I feel relatively secure in making the following statement: all of us wants to be healthy and happy. In order for us to be healthy and happy, all of us needs a means of providing ourselves and our families with the resources to make these concepts a reality. We all need healthy food, clean water, shelter, clothing, access to healthcare, We all need these things. Can we focus on this for just one moment a day? Then stretch that moment to the next moment. Until soon, we can accept this truth with all of our being.
I believe we can learn to love others and have compassion for their journey to achieve health and happiness. But each of us needs to work very hard to attain this love. We need to cease being judgmental and begin to stretch our imaginations to consider the circumstances in which others speak or act out. I direct these comments to my liberal friends as well as my conservative ones. Because we all are guilty of making reactionary judgments.
All I am asking is take a moment to think before speaking, before acting. Just stop and think for a moment: how will this statement or this action help put the world in a better place?
Thank-you for reading.
Love,
kathyclark
September is much different for me this year. I left my job at Planet Care and have been doing odd jobs to make ends meet: jobs such as weeding gardens, cleaning out gutters, pet-sitting, interior house-painting. I've been using my muscles, sweating, getting dehydrated, re-hydrating, but especially spending time in the sun. This sort of hard, physical work, this being outdoors and next to the sun, has helped me to feel my Self - an unadulterated sense of who I am, how to take care of myself, and how to begin to peaceably co-exist with others.
I was walking my dog, Soupy Sales, this morning when I noticed a student walking to the Higher Education Area Transit (HEAT) stop. She seemingly wanted to avoid any interaction. But I spoke a greeting and wished her a good day. She smiled in a genuine manner and seemed grateful for this small kindness. And I wondered about that.
Do today's youth feel it is necessary to be prepared for bad things at all times? Do most of us feel this is necessary?
I have a lot of compassion for today's youth because in my opinion they have lost a connection to their source: the earth. Not all of them. But it occurs to me that people who grow up in cities without easy access to nature are cheated. They are exposed to a denser concentration of culture. And maybe that serves as a means of connecting to the earth. I may not know what I'm talking about. It just seems to me that there is a fundamental urge in us all to feel connected to the land. And this may not be immediately apparent to people who have never had access to nature.
Maybe I'm projecting.
But the youth of today have extremely challenging conditions in which to grow up. There are not many decent role models in positions of leadership, for example. The current state of the economy creates significant financial obstacles. Prejudice comes in many varieties and manifests in extreme forms. The environment needs tender loving care, yet power possessing beings who are controlled by greed and power lust will continue to do things to the environment to further hurt it. I don't know how I would feel growing up in such a world as this. When I was 18, I was aware of the bullshit in the world but felt a sense of hope, a sense that obstacles could be overcome.
I continue to experience this hope, though it has taken on a different form from that of my 18 year-old self. When I was 18, for example, there seemed to be breathing room, a sense of expansiveness left on the planet. This was in 1979. Today, there is less breathing room, less space left in which to create something new. Maybe this is just a perspective of my advancing age. But it seems that as compared with 1979, there are many more obstacles to overcome in this world.
Far from making me discouraged, I believe in the resilience and the intelligence of human beings. I know that we are smart. I know we can create a better set of conditions in which our youth may grow and carry hope in their hearts. I feel a deep responsibility to future generations to work like hell for the duration of my life to address all the issues I mentioned above.
I have a request to make of you at this point, gentle reader: I ask that you consider every action, every word spoken, with great care. Consider how it will help. And I would ask that if you see there is no use in contributing an action or a word to our planetary zeitgeist, if it would be harmful rather than helpful, would you please refrain from executing this action or this speech?
Be mindful that every small word and deed affects the greater whole.
In a similar vein, rather than focus on each other's differences, can we please focus on our similarities? For example, I feel relatively secure in making the following statement: all of us wants to be healthy and happy. In order for us to be healthy and happy, all of us needs a means of providing ourselves and our families with the resources to make these concepts a reality. We all need healthy food, clean water, shelter, clothing, access to healthcare, We all need these things. Can we focus on this for just one moment a day? Then stretch that moment to the next moment. Until soon, we can accept this truth with all of our being.
I believe we can learn to love others and have compassion for their journey to achieve health and happiness. But each of us needs to work very hard to attain this love. We need to cease being judgmental and begin to stretch our imaginations to consider the circumstances in which others speak or act out. I direct these comments to my liberal friends as well as my conservative ones. Because we all are guilty of making reactionary judgments.
All I am asking is take a moment to think before speaking, before acting. Just stop and think for a moment: how will this statement or this action help put the world in a better place?
Thank-you for reading.
Love,
kathyclark
Monday, December 26, 2011
Dear Lorenzo
Dear Lorenzo,
I received the gift you sent. Thank-you. And I finally sorted out its meaning. It took me all day to connect the dots. But I finally got it. I am so grateful!
Ever since the day that I saw you at the Cancer Center, my thoughts have been with you. I've been wondering about the state of your body and wondering how you were coping with it. I've been sending you love daily. I'm sure it has been a difficult journey. And now that it is over, I can hear your laughter.
Prior to receiving your gift, I had Christmas with my family. I drove to my mom and dad's house on Christmas Eve, listening to my friend's radio show on the way. You would love my friend. Dr. Roots, we call him. He plays old school rhythm and blues the first hour of his show and reggae the second. Dr. Roots is a holy man. He truly emits Love and Light. Just like you. During a voice break, he wished his listeners a blessed Christ mass and he told us to, "Make a joyful noise!"
Something inside of me clicked into an awareness of a new level of responsibility. I have to step it up in my life. It is not enough to practice gratitude, to feel the grace of abundance. I must celebrate this gratitude by making "a joyful noise." I must speak my gratitude, sing it, yell it, clang it, bang it, ring it, strum it, clap it, tap it. I must sound off: "Present!"
I was so overcome by the Love issuing forth from the radio on Christmas Eve that I called Dr. Roots to thank him. In his gracious manner he told me that he can only give what others reflect back to him. So he thanked me for receiving and reflecting the Light.
I slept under the Christmas tree at my parent's house. The 50 Christmases of my life swirled in my mind as I watched the twinkling lights reflect off the ceiling and walls. They all - even those that occurred during the most turbulent of times - contain the commonality of gratitude, peace and supreme Love. No matter what, I always seem to be able to find these qualities.
Christmas morning was charming. My mother and I exchanged gifts before anyone else awoke. My sister cooked breakfast for my mother and me. My father had a terrible chest cold and sequestered himself off from the rest of us. I crept in to see him when I knew he was awake and gave him my love. I took Toby the dog for a walk through the woods. We came back covered with beggar's lice.
The day progressed. My great aunt arrived with her date. She is a youthful 86 and is another Being of Light. I am certain the two of you will meet one day. My brother, my nephew, my other sister and my brother-in-law arrived and we sat down to our Christmas feast. Afterwards, we exchanged gifts: material goods that symbolize our love for each other. My gift to everyone was the random chaos of a dirty Santa game. I had procured lots of items for cheap or free from various sources, wrapped them in Christmas packaging and placed them in a pile. Each member of my family proceeded to pick from the pile or take the gift of someone else that had already been opened.
The results were unexpected. A temporary fight broke out between my two sisters over an article of clothing. My nephew sulked over receiving no toys. My brother ended up with the toy-like gifts that I had hoped my nephew would somehow receive - as well as a relatively tacky beach shirt, which seemed to make him exceedingly happy. This is the same brother with whom I have a long and tumultuous history. I think I completely unintentionally managed to make him the happiest of anyone.
I can hear you laughing as I write this.
After the gift-giving extravaganza, people began to leave. My father joined me and my sisters in the living room and all three of them proceeded to fall asleep. It was at this point that I began to feel the inexplicable heaviness setting in. I arose and began to gather all my things. Before I left, I showed my father a couple of videos of arias from Rigoletto sung by Renato Bruson. I am overcome with emotion when I see these videos. And I attributed my approaching sorrow to having watched them.
I left my parent's house and drove back to Greensboro. On the way, I called my daughter to see how her Christmas had been. We chatted briefly and upon hanging up I felt the sorrow becoming more pronounced. I miss her. And my son. He lives in New York now as well. I don't think you met him. He's an impressive entity. At any rate, I attributed the welling sorrow to the fact that I missed seeing my children on Christmas.
Once home, my boyfriend came over. We laid in bed together reading. I turned to him at one point and said, "I don't know why I feel so sad." He asked me if anything had happened. "No," I said. "There is no reason for me to be sad. It was a good day. Nothing bad happened." He held me as tears rolled down my cheek. I breathed deeply and returned to my book. I read until the heaviness set in and pulled me under the waves of consciousness.
And then I received your gift. It took the form of an elaborate dream. I was at a university. I was marginally involved in theater projects as well as discussions on film and film-making. I belonged to a writing group. I felt completely vital. Everything was of quintessential importance in my mind - each passing conversation, each spirited discussion, each performance, every creation. I was in my element. And radiantly happy. A man took an interest in me. And I welcomed his interest happily, not as an indicator of an impending romance but as an indicator of the creative life ahead of me.
I awoke this morning wanting to linger in my dreamland. But I arose and proceeded to check in on my facebook world. It was in this way that I learned you died last night. I was immediately relieved to understand the source of the sadness I had experienced. On some level, I sensed and responded to your passage without knowledge of it. I did not feel the impact of loss upon receiving this news. But I felt more and more confused as the day wore on.
At work, when Pam learned of your death, she said, "Now we can talk to him whenever we want."
Doug reminded me that "we have to stay strong."
Cindy's eyes welled up with tears when she learned.
I found myself becoming irritable at work. I spoke words of veiled anger. I grew weary and depressed.
After work, I spoke with Mekare about your passage. She informed me that it is possible to receive teachings from you during this time if I remain open.
My boyfriend came over to my apartment and I immediately had to lie down. He approached my bed to check on me. Tears slid down my cheek as I told him that you had sent me a dream but I did not understand its meaning. He asked me what the dream was about and as I spoke of the events in it, I realized what you needed to tell me.
To experience awe and wonder is to be in my right station in Life. To be aware of the tiniest, most seemingly insignificant details and marvel at their existence. This and nothing more is my purpose: to exist in joyous wonder.
When this became clear, I saw your beaming face as you exclaimed with exuberance, "You got it!" And then I heard your hearty laugh.
Your generosity of spirit carried me through many troubling times. You gave me so much during your sojourn on earth. And now that you are traveling on your next adventure, I anticipate periodic messages from you. We will continue our journey together, despite the fact that I will no longer see your physical body. I can feel you as strongly as ever.
I love you. Be happy and free. All is as it should be. All is well.
I received the gift you sent. Thank-you. And I finally sorted out its meaning. It took me all day to connect the dots. But I finally got it. I am so grateful!
Ever since the day that I saw you at the Cancer Center, my thoughts have been with you. I've been wondering about the state of your body and wondering how you were coping with it. I've been sending you love daily. I'm sure it has been a difficult journey. And now that it is over, I can hear your laughter.
Prior to receiving your gift, I had Christmas with my family. I drove to my mom and dad's house on Christmas Eve, listening to my friend's radio show on the way. You would love my friend. Dr. Roots, we call him. He plays old school rhythm and blues the first hour of his show and reggae the second. Dr. Roots is a holy man. He truly emits Love and Light. Just like you. During a voice break, he wished his listeners a blessed Christ mass and he told us to, "Make a joyful noise!"
Something inside of me clicked into an awareness of a new level of responsibility. I have to step it up in my life. It is not enough to practice gratitude, to feel the grace of abundance. I must celebrate this gratitude by making "a joyful noise." I must speak my gratitude, sing it, yell it, clang it, bang it, ring it, strum it, clap it, tap it. I must sound off: "Present!"
I was so overcome by the Love issuing forth from the radio on Christmas Eve that I called Dr. Roots to thank him. In his gracious manner he told me that he can only give what others reflect back to him. So he thanked me for receiving and reflecting the Light.
I slept under the Christmas tree at my parent's house. The 50 Christmases of my life swirled in my mind as I watched the twinkling lights reflect off the ceiling and walls. They all - even those that occurred during the most turbulent of times - contain the commonality of gratitude, peace and supreme Love. No matter what, I always seem to be able to find these qualities.
Christmas morning was charming. My mother and I exchanged gifts before anyone else awoke. My sister cooked breakfast for my mother and me. My father had a terrible chest cold and sequestered himself off from the rest of us. I crept in to see him when I knew he was awake and gave him my love. I took Toby the dog for a walk through the woods. We came back covered with beggar's lice.
The day progressed. My great aunt arrived with her date. She is a youthful 86 and is another Being of Light. I am certain the two of you will meet one day. My brother, my nephew, my other sister and my brother-in-law arrived and we sat down to our Christmas feast. Afterwards, we exchanged gifts: material goods that symbolize our love for each other. My gift to everyone was the random chaos of a dirty Santa game. I had procured lots of items for cheap or free from various sources, wrapped them in Christmas packaging and placed them in a pile. Each member of my family proceeded to pick from the pile or take the gift of someone else that had already been opened.
The results were unexpected. A temporary fight broke out between my two sisters over an article of clothing. My nephew sulked over receiving no toys. My brother ended up with the toy-like gifts that I had hoped my nephew would somehow receive - as well as a relatively tacky beach shirt, which seemed to make him exceedingly happy. This is the same brother with whom I have a long and tumultuous history. I think I completely unintentionally managed to make him the happiest of anyone.
I can hear you laughing as I write this.
After the gift-giving extravaganza, people began to leave. My father joined me and my sisters in the living room and all three of them proceeded to fall asleep. It was at this point that I began to feel the inexplicable heaviness setting in. I arose and began to gather all my things. Before I left, I showed my father a couple of videos of arias from Rigoletto sung by Renato Bruson. I am overcome with emotion when I see these videos. And I attributed my approaching sorrow to having watched them.
I left my parent's house and drove back to Greensboro. On the way, I called my daughter to see how her Christmas had been. We chatted briefly and upon hanging up I felt the sorrow becoming more pronounced. I miss her. And my son. He lives in New York now as well. I don't think you met him. He's an impressive entity. At any rate, I attributed the welling sorrow to the fact that I missed seeing my children on Christmas.
Once home, my boyfriend came over. We laid in bed together reading. I turned to him at one point and said, "I don't know why I feel so sad." He asked me if anything had happened. "No," I said. "There is no reason for me to be sad. It was a good day. Nothing bad happened." He held me as tears rolled down my cheek. I breathed deeply and returned to my book. I read until the heaviness set in and pulled me under the waves of consciousness.
And then I received your gift. It took the form of an elaborate dream. I was at a university. I was marginally involved in theater projects as well as discussions on film and film-making. I belonged to a writing group. I felt completely vital. Everything was of quintessential importance in my mind - each passing conversation, each spirited discussion, each performance, every creation. I was in my element. And radiantly happy. A man took an interest in me. And I welcomed his interest happily, not as an indicator of an impending romance but as an indicator of the creative life ahead of me.
I awoke this morning wanting to linger in my dreamland. But I arose and proceeded to check in on my facebook world. It was in this way that I learned you died last night. I was immediately relieved to understand the source of the sadness I had experienced. On some level, I sensed and responded to your passage without knowledge of it. I did not feel the impact of loss upon receiving this news. But I felt more and more confused as the day wore on.
At work, when Pam learned of your death, she said, "Now we can talk to him whenever we want."
Doug reminded me that "we have to stay strong."
Cindy's eyes welled up with tears when she learned.
I found myself becoming irritable at work. I spoke words of veiled anger. I grew weary and depressed.
After work, I spoke with Mekare about your passage. She informed me that it is possible to receive teachings from you during this time if I remain open.
My boyfriend came over to my apartment and I immediately had to lie down. He approached my bed to check on me. Tears slid down my cheek as I told him that you had sent me a dream but I did not understand its meaning. He asked me what the dream was about and as I spoke of the events in it, I realized what you needed to tell me.
To experience awe and wonder is to be in my right station in Life. To be aware of the tiniest, most seemingly insignificant details and marvel at their existence. This and nothing more is my purpose: to exist in joyous wonder.
When this became clear, I saw your beaming face as you exclaimed with exuberance, "You got it!" And then I heard your hearty laugh.
Your generosity of spirit carried me through many troubling times. You gave me so much during your sojourn on earth. And now that you are traveling on your next adventure, I anticipate periodic messages from you. We will continue our journey together, despite the fact that I will no longer see your physical body. I can feel you as strongly as ever.
I love you. Be happy and free. All is as it should be. All is well.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Once in Love
I saw the ex-husband guy last night. No matter how much time passes, seeing him is awkward. Maybe the awkwardness arises from the realization that love doesn't die. No matter how much you wish it would. Or possibly it arises from the embarrassment of the memory of a certain time in which I lost control.
This morning, I am filled with a vague sadness. I long for a sense of peace or resolution that I believe will never come.
A wise woman once told me that we are born with a very particular need for a very particular kind of love. No one knows how to give us that love. Not our parents. Not our partners. Not our friends. The only person who knows how to give us the exact kind of love we need is ourselves.
In keeping with that notion, maybe certain relationships arise out of the need to manifest a very particular expression of love. Steve and I definitely created our own world. And for a time, it was a lovely world. Two truly beautiful and amazing beings came onto the planet as a result of that world: our daughter and our son. And this is an accomplishment. No matter what became of the relationship.
Still, it surprises me that there is a lingering grief. When will the grief die? All that I know to say is that Steve and I made a life together. And we created a forum in which to express a very particular kind of love. That expression was unique. It will never have another forum. Because Steve and I together were unique. And even though we cannot be together - because we just can't logically figure out how - the heartstrings are still entwined. And unfortunately, always will be.
I say unfortunately because in this moment, I feel a huge regret for losing the ability to manifest love with Steve. It seems there should be a lesson here. Probably it is so blatantly simple I just can't see it.
Another wise woman told me recently that no matter what your spiritual beliefs, the reality is this: we must move towards Love, towards acting from a place of Love. The opposite of Love is fear. So whenever we experience fear, remember that we want to operate from a place of Love. Choose Love over fear. Love is all you need.
One might say I chose fear over love in my relationship with Steve. But maybe a greater Love was calling me in its direction. By abandoning that relationship, I was forced to walk alone for a while. Over the years, a love and compassion for my self have unfolded. I think it was necessary to be alone to do this. And I think that through striving to know and love my self better, I found an important teacher: Danny Bayer, whose absolute love for, acceptance of and patience with me have helped me grow in ways unimaginable.
I believe it is still possible to summon Love from the ashes in which I attempt to smother it. I'll uncover it a little, dust it off, and see what I can see.
This morning, I am filled with a vague sadness. I long for a sense of peace or resolution that I believe will never come.
A wise woman once told me that we are born with a very particular need for a very particular kind of love. No one knows how to give us that love. Not our parents. Not our partners. Not our friends. The only person who knows how to give us the exact kind of love we need is ourselves.
In keeping with that notion, maybe certain relationships arise out of the need to manifest a very particular expression of love. Steve and I definitely created our own world. And for a time, it was a lovely world. Two truly beautiful and amazing beings came onto the planet as a result of that world: our daughter and our son. And this is an accomplishment. No matter what became of the relationship.
Still, it surprises me that there is a lingering grief. When will the grief die? All that I know to say is that Steve and I made a life together. And we created a forum in which to express a very particular kind of love. That expression was unique. It will never have another forum. Because Steve and I together were unique. And even though we cannot be together - because we just can't logically figure out how - the heartstrings are still entwined. And unfortunately, always will be.
I say unfortunately because in this moment, I feel a huge regret for losing the ability to manifest love with Steve. It seems there should be a lesson here. Probably it is so blatantly simple I just can't see it.
Another wise woman told me recently that no matter what your spiritual beliefs, the reality is this: we must move towards Love, towards acting from a place of Love. The opposite of Love is fear. So whenever we experience fear, remember that we want to operate from a place of Love. Choose Love over fear. Love is all you need.
One might say I chose fear over love in my relationship with Steve. But maybe a greater Love was calling me in its direction. By abandoning that relationship, I was forced to walk alone for a while. Over the years, a love and compassion for my self have unfolded. I think it was necessary to be alone to do this. And I think that through striving to know and love my self better, I found an important teacher: Danny Bayer, whose absolute love for, acceptance of and patience with me have helped me grow in ways unimaginable.
I believe it is still possible to summon Love from the ashes in which I attempt to smother it. I'll uncover it a little, dust it off, and see what I can see.
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