The Grouchy Man and The Cell Phone Lady

A grouchy man walked into Planet Care today.  I don't know why he was grouchy.  He just was.  He walked past me in an aisle where I was running back stock.  I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said "hi" as he approached me.  He just looked at me with no response and walked on by.  I thought nothing of it.

Immediately after that, a lady who was talking on her cell phone walked into the same aisle where I was running back stock and the grouchy man stood staring at cans of soup.  She walked past me as she was talking on her cell phone.  And then I heard the grouchy man say in a very loud and grouchy voice, "If you have to talk, please keep your voice down.  It is very annoying."

At first I thought he was talking to me.  And then I saw the lady with the cell phone looking at him, stunned. 

"Excuse me?" she said. 

"I said, if you have to talk, please keep your voice down.  It is very annoying." 

She was momentarily speechless.  "I, I'm talking to my husband," she stammered. She began to whisper into the phone about the grouchy man who asked her to keep her voice down. "It's very annoying, he said."

I marveled at this scenario.  First of all, the grouchy man stated, "If you have to talk," with emphasis on the word "have." What constitutes having to talk?  Some people, it would seem, have an innate need to constantly verbalize their thoughts, feelings, observations, pontifications in a relatively stream of conscious manner.  This seems to be driven by a biological predisposition to moving the mouth.  Others may need to communicate critical information involving national security in a timely manner.  Others may need to negotiate a top secret rendezvous.  It seemed to me that this question was too subjective, hence open-ended. 

Next, the grouchy man made the request, which was spoken more as a demand than a request, that the talker keep her voice down.  Why?  Because it was very annoying.  What was annoying?  Her voice?  The fact that she was talking?  The fact that she was talking on a cell phone?  Did he ask every person he passed to stop talking?  If so, how did he ever get anything done?  What would he do on a subway in New York?  Tell everyone to stop talking?  What does he do in large department stores during the holiday season?  Wear a sandwich board saying, "Don't talk?" What entitles him to demand people stop talking?  The world is full of talking.  We just have to put up with it. 

The woman told the grouchy man that she was talking to her husband.  She emphasized that point.  Was she indirectly threatening grouchy man by suggesting her husband would kick his ass? Did it validate her talking any more to be addressing her partner, who, I feel it is important to note, is a man?  Would it validate her talking if she were talking with any man?  Or does it only count when the man is your husband? 

Grouchy man scowled as he walked out of the aisle where I was running back stock and rounded the corner into the next aisle.  The woman walked in the opposite direction.  Did she think this would lessen her chances of running into the grouchy man again?  It would seem to me that it would increase the likelihood since he would be walking towards her from the next aisle over. 

Poor sad people.  The grouchy man continued to seethe on into the evening, opening a can of organic soup and eating it unheated directly from its packaging.  A scraggly cat begged piteously for scraps.  After the man finished his meager meal, he put the empty can on the floor for the cat to clean and slouched down grouchily in his sagging armchair.  The large house contained no other life save him and the cat, who loudly slurped up the residual bits of cream of tomato soup.

The cell phone lady drove her Miata to the country club where she complained to her masseuse about the rude man she encountered at the grocery store.  She sat in a hot tub afterwards.  The facial mask that had been carefully applied by an esthetician cracked around her mouth and furrowed brow as she related the story to her tennis partner, who later joined her for gin and tonics at the bar.  She drank one too many and missed the chair she'd intended to sit in.  She fractured her tailbone.  

The grouchy man sits alone, wondering why he's so grouchy.  Was he always this way?  He thinks not.  But he can't remember when things changed.  He pulls himself up out of the chair and kicks the empty cans aside on his way to bed. 

The cell phone lady lies in bed with an inflatable inner tube under her ass thinking of nothing at all as she flips through the channels on her wide screen flat screen deluxe screen t.v.  

Once in Love

I saw the ex-husband guy last night. No matter how much time passes, seeing him is awkward. Maybe the awkwardness arises from the realization that love doesn't die. No matter how much you wish it would. Or possibly it arises from the embarrassment of the memory of a certain time in which I lost control.

This morning, I am filled with a vague sadness. I long for a sense of peace or resolution that I believe will never come.

A wise woman once told me that we are born with a very particular need for a very particular kind of love. No one knows how to give us that love. Not our parents. Not our partners. Not our friends. The only person who knows how to give us the exact kind of love we need is ourselves.

In keeping with that notion, maybe certain relationships arise out of the need to manifest a very particular expression of love. Steve and I definitely created our own world. And for a time, it was a lovely world. Two truly beautiful and amazing beings came onto the planet as a result of that world: our daughter and our son. And this is an accomplishment. No matter what became of the relationship.

Still, it surprises me that there is a lingering grief. When will the grief die? All that I know to say is that Steve and I made a life together. And we created a forum in which to express a very particular kind of love. That expression was unique. It will never have another forum. Because Steve and I together were unique. And even though we cannot be together - because we just can't logically figure out how - the heartstrings are still entwined. And unfortunately, always will be.

I say unfortunately because in this moment, I feel a huge regret for losing the ability to manifest love with Steve. It seems there should be a lesson here. Probably it is so blatantly simple I just can't see it.

Another wise woman told me recently that no matter what your spiritual beliefs, the reality is this: we must move towards Love, towards acting from a place of Love. The opposite of Love is fear. So whenever we experience fear, remember that we want to operate from a place of Love. Choose Love over fear. Love is all you need.

One might say I chose fear over love in my relationship with Steve. But maybe a greater Love was calling me in its direction. By abandoning that relationship, I was forced to walk alone for a while. Over the years, a love and compassion for my self have unfolded. I think it was necessary to be alone to do this. And I think that through striving to know and love my self better, I found an important teacher: Danny Bayer, whose absolute love for, acceptance of and patience with me have helped me grow in ways unimaginable.

I believe it is still possible to summon Love from the ashes in which I attempt to smother it. I'll uncover it a little, dust it off, and see what I can see.