Angel of the Lord

I've fallen into a bit of an existential crisis of late. This happens from time to time, it's nothing new and I know it'll pass.

My existential crises contain certain givens. I will worry about my True Calling, whatever that is. I will ponder my mortality. I will agonize about the power of money and the control it has over me. I will fret over how I might make a difference on this planet. I will contemplate my many health issues and the toll they take on all aspects of my life. And I will encounter a holy person.

Always, in the midst of an existential crisis, when I already feel like I've barely got a grip, a holy person will enter my world and shake it completely up. I marvel at the predictability of this and wonder how it is possible.

A couple of days ago a man named Jamaal came through my line with a case of dates. Fifty-some dollars worth of dates. I asked if he was about to through a party. He replied that he was in the midst of fasting - I don't remember for how many days - but he would break fast with dates and begin each day before sunrise with dates. I asked if this was Ramadan. He said, "You know about Ramadan?" I said I know some about Ramadan. But obviously I don't know when it occurs. He explained that this particular cycle is not Ramadan but another period of fasting with different fasting rules. I commented that this must require a great level of discipline. He said that "it builds discipline."

Jamaal told me that he is willing to give up food for the Lord. "And you know I love food!" Jamaal is an amiable man with a broad smile and kind eyes. And his robust body indicates he does indeed love food. He tells me that he would not give up food for his best friend. Not even for his mother. But for the Lord, yes.

I was taken aback by the level of devotion in this man's being as he spoke these words. I felt oddly underprivileged. I offered that I do not have that sort of relationship with God. I did not offer that I have never felt that degree of devotion to God.

Jamaal looked at me, smiling, and said, "Why not!?" I felt my eyes filling with tears, my chest constricting. "Kathy, why not?" He placed his hand on his chest and said, "This heart, every time this heart beats, God does that! Every breath you take, God does that! God gives you everything!"

I was momentarily stunned. What a staggering notion - there is some mysterious force at work inside this frame of flesh, blood and bone that we call "life" but could just as easily be called "God." Because it is just as mysterious. I mean scientists understand a good deal about how the body's systems work separately and together. But I venture to guess that they don't understand why a body works. What is at one's very source that causes the heart to beat and the lungs to respire?

And imagine for just an instant that God is the source of life in me. It would follow, then, that God is the source of life in everyone. So in each heart that beats, there is God. A generous, magnanimous entity in us all that connects us.

It was too large a concept for me to ponder for very long.

I thanked Jamaal for this reminder. I told him that I often forget these things. He said he will come see me every day to remind me if I need him too.

I was moved beyond measure. This stranger wants to come see me every day to give me a bit of magic? To stitch a thread of hope into the warp and weft of a dismal brain?

I felt a bit like the Grinch, whose heart grew three sizes at once.

In my existential crises, I lose God. I rarely have a firm sense of the presence of God, but I do have a spiritual nature. I do feel verklempt while watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" when Charlie Brown throws back his head in despair and asks for the meaning of it all and Linus, in a pristine voice of childhood wisdom, says this:

And there were in the same country Shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'fear not, for behold I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in the manger.' And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying 'glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.

Maybe it is Linus' voice. Maybe it is the atmosphere created by Linus standing alone on stage in a follow spot. Maybe it is the familiar cadence and evocative language of the King James bible. Maybe it is Vince Guaraldi's soundtrack. But no matter how many times I watch this scene, no matter how old I am, I find myself suddenly filled with wonder and joy.

Jamaal instilled in me a distinctly Charlie Brown moment. I would have cried if I had allowed myself to.

Whatever is touched on in moments like this, it is real. I cannot label it, nor do I care to. Sometimes our daily grind becomes such a chore that we lose moments of wonder, moments of brilliance and magic. Whenever I am in one of my existential crises, I am completely removed from the wonderment of living - which simply is. It simply exists. And it need not be analyzed.

How tremendous was this encounter with a holy person in the check-out line at Planet Care during one of my most pronounced existential crises! I am overwhelmed with gratitude.