The Floater Turd

At some point last Fall I realized that I am a floater turd. It is my mission in life to rise above the shit and not get flushed down the well. This realization constituted the quintessential "Aha Moment." Suddenly, everything made sense. And all the challenges that were weighing down my psyche were put into perspective.

Knowing your mission in life makes everything so much simpler. Whenever I am faced with a dilemma, I ask myself, "What would the floater turd do?"

Whenever I take a poop, I watch the floater turds struggling to remain in the toilet bowl. Secretly, I cheer for them. "Come on little floater turds! You can do it! Rise up, little turds! Swim!"

Some folks might be offended by the metaphor I have created for myself. They may think that by identifying with excrement, I am sending myself a message that I am worth shit. And they will most likely extrapolate all sorts of psychiatric diagnoses from my lighthearted attempt to poke fun at a series of challenges.

But truly, I am using this metaphor as a means of keeping things in perspective. No worry, no fear, nothing that I might fret about endlessly matters a damn in the larger scheme of things. I must remain buoyant in the face of increasing heaviness. I must float above all the bullshit that life tosses at me. This is a noble mission. The floater turd is simply a convenient analogy for my plight on this planet.

Ever since the dawning of my realization, I have known that I must write a song about the floater turd. And tonight, after grappling with a grievous line of questioning, I decided it was time to sit down and do it. The chorus goes like this:

I am a floater turd
I am a master of the absurd
You think you've seen the last of my days
But you cannot flush me away
No you cannot flush me away

My boyfriend, Danny, came up with the chords to accompany the melody. So far, it is a kick-ass little song. It will be premiered at the Marijuana Wolf show on June 26.

I am opening for Marijuana Wolf. It's funny how a life filled with such ridiculous challenges just gets better and better.