Suck It

Homophobic remarks make me cringe. Actually, any sort of derogatory remarks about other human beings make me cringe. But when a person is derided because of something as intimately personal as their sexuality, it seems especially harsh. To attack an expression of love is in my book, the lowest of the low. Then, the fighter comes out.

At a pool party, a large-bearded white man asked a less large-bearded white man, "Which would you rather do: suck a dick (and finish the job) or be a vegan for a year?" And then, "Which would you rather do: suck a dick (and finish the job) or consume nothing but hot dog water for a year?"

Let me clarify the fact that I was not present when these questions were asked. Let me also clarify that since I was not there, I cannot say with all certainty that these exact words were spoken. I am piecing together two accounts of what was said and coming up with my own version. Let me also clarify that these questions were asked by a grown man, not an adolescent.

Instead of being present when the above-mentioned questions were asked, I was at a cookout at my gay neighbor's house. It was peopled by many other gays. We talked about music, movies, and books - things that I am familiar with and enjoy talking about. It was a nice time and I was not too eager to leave. But I had committed to go to another function. The above-mentioned pool party.

It was early evening. All I knew about this party was that it was next door to my ally's friend. So I went to the ally's friend's house and sought evidence of a pool and people around it. I timidly walked into the backyard of a person's house whom I'd never met before. There was a pool. There were people lounging around it. I looked for someone I recognized. Once I confirmed that my ally was there, I proceeded to enter the gated area. I walked by a string of people whose faces I did not know, needless to say their names. Was I to introduce myself? Was someone that I knew supposed to meet me at this string of people and introduce me? I didn't know. I just said "hi" and walked on by.

I sat down in a small cluster of people I know and chatted with a friend whom I hadn't seen in a while. That was nice. But our chat was interrupted by the extraneous happenings of people made boisterous by alcohol. It was during one of these interruptions that my ally filled me in on what had been said: the above-mentioned questions that I found offensive. My ally said this had been going on all afternoon and it was pretty funny actually.

No. It actually was not funny.

I felt like I was in enemy territory. I immediately put up my defenses and scouted the faces around me for hostility and aggression. I experienced that elevated heart rate and quickened breathing that occurs when anxiety hits. I, this person who inhabits my body, this person who attempts to manifest love in a world sorely bereft of it, felt threatened. In the past when I felt threatened, my tendency was to run. This time, I was alert and ready to fight.

I became quiet, knowing that anything I said could be used against me. This is the paranoia of anxiety. I observed the people around me. A group of people departed, leaving significantly fewer people to worry about. One woman's gaze was fixed to her phone most of the time. I did not perceive her as a threat. Then, a whole row of people were staring into their phones. It was at this point that I began to wonder why I had come at all. My ally informed me - after the fact - that things were winding down when I arrived, that I had missed all the fun. After the fact, I realized there was absolutely no reason for me to have left the comfort and ease of my neighbor's cookout. Except actually, there was.

As I was not given an opportunity to speak out against remarks that had been made before I arrived, I felt a pesky dissatisfaction. I felt such a great hostility and disdain for the sort of homophobia that breeds such remarks. I thought of all the great things I would have said to the large-bearded white man if I had been present when his remarks had been made:

So are you suggesting that sucking a dick is bad?

Then:

If dick-sucking is so bad, then I guess you don't allow women to suck yours?

Or:

Sounds like someone wants to suck a dick. Why don't you just do it?

Or:

Being vegan is a bad thing?

Or:

Are you simply saying that being vegan, drinking hot dog water and sucking a dick are all such ecstatic experiences, it's hard to choose?

Alas, I was not able to say these things to this large-bearded white man. I watched him leave with his children and felt a huge sorrow for his children and an increased loathing for large-bearded white men.

This incident - which doesn't even qualify as an incident since I did not actually experience it firsthand but experienced the aftershock - further awakened in me a conviction to put up with bullshit less. It reminded me of my responsibility to call out ignorance and intolerance. It convinced me to proclaim with ferocity that from this day forward, if I ever hear anyone make such confounded and confounding remarks, they will feel my wrath. I will not run. I will not be silent. This is the dawn of a new era in which the voiceless will use their voices against all oppressive forces. Even the ones that emerge casually and in jest at a pool party.

Especially those.

Everyday Injustice

One time at Planet Care a woman coming through my checkout line called me a racist.  I was having a bad day.  My cancer treatments were kicking my ass and I was not feeling especially bubbly.
 
One time at Planet Care, a breastfeeding group was meeting in the community room.  They were, of course, breastfeeding their children while they were meeting.  A man wandered into the community room, ate his lunch and thanked the women for the show.  The women were furious.  I was furious.

One time at Planet Care, I was putting groceries on a shelf when a woman came down the aisle talking on her cell phone.  A man who was already on the aisle yelled at her quite loudly, "Would you mind taking your telephone conversation outside?!  That's just rude and disrespectful!"  The woman looked at me as if I should defend her.  I did nothing.

One time at Planet Care, a customer called one of the employees an ignorant redneck.  Angry words were exchanged between the customer and the employee.  The employee was fired.

One time at Planet Care, a customer made an ugly comment about two same-sex customers kissing. The couple became angry and fought with the insulting customer.  One employee offered to the couple, "I'm sorry you were subjected to that."  Other employees tried to diffuse the situation - one of whom was called a white privileged male and a homophobe by one member of the couple.  The police were called because no one would calm down and leave the store.

I am certain there will be many unjust incidents that occur at Planet Care.  Little injustices occur all the time.  From my perspective, there is no reason to fan the flames of the willfully ignorant participants in these injustices.  For me, it is better to try and love everybody, regardless of how they treat me or how they treat others.  This is a difficult path to take.  But it's what works for me.

Love!!!