See Food

At Planet Care, food samples are readily available in almost every department. The Specialty Department leaves cheese bits sitting out. The Produce Department leaves pieces of fruit or vegetables to pick over. The Grocery Department sets out trays of cookies or snack crackers. And so on.

The problem with leaving bits of food laying around is that people will eat it. I realize that this is the desired outcome of leaving the food laying around. However, making food readily available to the public creates undesirable outcomes for the staff of Planet Care.

First of all, there is the hazard of unsanitary fingers indiscriminately fondling the food bits. No one monitors the sample bowls on a regular basis. Toothpicks and/or serving implements are present to circumvent this hazard. But there's nothing to prevent the vast majority of people from reaching right on in and grubbing up the whole lot. One would imagine children to be the primary culprits of such unsavory and unsanitary actions. Surprisingly, I have witnessed far more elderly people engaged in this activity. Perhaps they think they've got little time left on the planet and they'll do whatever the hell they like regardless of the potential risks for their fellow human beings.

Next, there is the hazard of crumbs. Crumbs are created in a number of ways. A cracker or cookie, for example, might accidentally be dropped on the floor before it makes it to the mouth of the grubby-handed customer. There, it will most certainly be trod upon creating a vast multitude of small crumbs. Then, there is the possibility of the traveling eater: a customer who grubs a handful of sample product and munches on it as they slowly push their cart up and down various aisles. Quite often, bits of product escape their mouths, landing on their shirts, where they are then brushed off onto the floor. This leaves little trails of crumbs all about the store. Then, there are the talking eaters. These are the people who tend to greedily stuff their mouths full of sample products, yet are too impatient to chew and swallow said products before launching into some lengthy dialogue. During their discourse, a steady stream of crumbs spray forth from their lips - sometimes in bursts that rival the best fireworks displays, sometimes one large chunk at a time, reminding one of a rifle or a tennis-ball-serving machine. The crumbs that issue forth in this manner, inevitably end up on the floor, quite often in pools of saliva.

There is the hazard of encouraging gluttony. Gluttony is exhibited by customers who fill their purses or pockets or other receptacles with sample products. Planet Care provides free food. This brings out the hoarding instinct, which must be particularly strong in some people. It is as if a giant pile of sugar were left at the entrance of an ant hill. Before long, this pile of sweet goodness would be carried away and safely stored for the benefit of the colony. Except that Planet Care hoarders hoard only for the benefit of themselves.

But by far the most undesirable effect of food samples laying around is the rampant chewing.

Chewing is not attractive.

A person approaches me at the register with their mouth moving. Their jaw may be simply swinging up and down. Sometimes there is a sideways action to the jaw. Or it could be moving in a circular manner. Some people leave their lips partially parted as they chew. Many chew with their mouths wide open making all manner of smacking and crunching noise. Crumbs accumulate on the edge of the chewer's lips. And if the mouth that is filled with food attempts to formulate words, the sound is muddled by the obstacle of partially masticated granola. And bits of oats and pecans are spewed in my general vicinity. I feel like I need riot gear to protect me from the avid chewers at Planet Care.

The elderly, again, prove to be the major culprits of chewing. They team up their hoarding instincts with their mastication emancipation and have a field day. One lady comes through my line virtually every day with a small purchase. She will hold a sample cup and chew furiously on some food stuff. As I ring her out, she always raises her hand with index finger extended to the sky and sprays out, "Senior citizen!" This is to remind me of two facts: 1) She is entitled to receive the senior citizen discount. 2) Senior citizens are the common chew-meisters, disgusting purveyors of chewing food unabashedly in public without regard for either fundamental courtesy or Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. Above all, they seem to be absolutely oblivious to the annoyance they cause me.

I wish I could end this entry on a happy note. Unfortunately, there is no hope of happiness until I secure my spray-proof register riot gear. Until that time, my co-workers and I will simply have to dodge the bullets as they fly.