I sat in the cafe area of Planet Care yesterday eating my dinner: a banana, an apple and some peanut butter. I've run out of money again. I rely heavily on peanut butter and bananas for my sustenance at times like this. It is unfortunate and ironic that I work in a supermarket filled with healthy foods that I cannot afford. Sometimes I laugh at the irony. Sometimes my ire is too great for laughter.
As I looked out the window of the cafe area of Planet Care, I noticed a pregnant woman and a man, presumably the person who impregnated her, get out of their car and walk across the parking lot to the doors of Planet Care. I had an immediate sensation of revulsion in my gut upon seeing this pregnant couple. I examined this revulsion and found myself thinking, "Why would anyone want to have a baby in this day and age?!"
Why would anyone want to have a baby in this day and age.
Suddenly, the realization hit me: I have allowed the cannibalistic mentality of society to consume my thought process. I have, to a degree, lost hope that our world will improve. I have temporarily become That Person Whom I Abhor at any sort of family or social gathering: the Pessimist. The Nihilist. The one who focuses on the destruction of the planet's natural resources, the monopolization of our food supply, the corporate takeover of our government, the unwillingness of the NRA to be reasonable, the vast number of people who are blatantly angry and aggressive who contribute further destruction through their anger and aggression. I have grown angry. And I am contributing to the destruction of the world around me through this anger.
My thoughts have been cycling around the topic of money to the point of obsession. How can I make more? What job can I see myself doing that would pay enough to comfortably sustain me? I've invested money in therapy so that I can overcome the obstacles to my own growth....so that I can get a job that is more in alignment with who I am and what I am, a job that pays me a living wage. I have taken money out of my food supply and put into a professional counselor for this reason.
The stunning realization is that there is nothing wrong with me. I am merely trying to conform to a world whose principles I reject. I have worth, despite the fact that I earn substandard wages. When I have time to write or paint or play music, I am aware of my place in this world. Everything makes sense. When I put time and energy into the pursuit of money (job-hunting), I feel like I've raped myself.
The thing that has become abundantly clear is the need to create a new world for myself. A world of freedom. A friend once told me that we are all slaves to money. Whether you have it or whether you don't, your existence is ruled by money. My goal is to emancipate myself from this mental slavery. My goal is to spend more time enjoying my life by doing the things that I find rewarding and less time chasing money. It is an attitudinal shift. Not a financial one.
While it can be argued that one needs money to do the things that one enjoys, I will argue that one can find a way to do the things one enjoys without money. For example, I was painting with The Greensboro Mural Project one Saturday and a man pulled over in his car and offered free paint. Free paint?! How can that be?! He's a painting contractor. He has a lot of left-over paint from jobs he's done. Rather than take all this to the recycling center, he would like to give it to people who could use it! Imagine that! Free paint from someone who was just going to throw it away!
There is a facebook group called "Friends Swapping Stuff" where people will post the need to get rid of certain items and the need to acquire certain items. Sometimes it works like this: someone will announce that they have a couch they no longer need. They would like to have garden tools. So someone with garden tools approaches them about swapping for their couch. Or, someone who needs the couch finds someone with garden tools and gives that person something that he or she needs and then swaps the tools for the couch. Sometimes people offer things for giveaway and do not ask for anything in return. I got a piano this way. The only thing I had to do was move it.
I want to believe in a world where money doesn't rule. I want to utilize resourcefulness and cooperation rather than fear and competition. While I recognize that money-making will be a part of my existence, I do not want my existence to be defined by money-making. Rather, I want my existence to be defined by the sheer joy of living as manifested through creative acts.
I went on a job interview recently in which I was asked what I would like to see myself doing in a job scenario. I immediately said I'd like to write.
"What else?" he asked.
"I'd like to utilize my networking and promotional skills."
"What else?"
"I'd like to work with the public."
"What else?"
"I'd like to....."
I started to zone out here. What was he asking me exactly? How was I supposed to answer? I was really trying to avoid saying things like "I want to paint vaginas all over Greensboro. I want to make mask and puppet theatre pieces in the park downtown. I want to bring Carl Sandburg's "Rootabaga Stories" to life. I want to be in an all girl cowpunk band that writes and performs silly songs. I want to make movies." I knew if I said these things, I wouldn't get the job. But those are the things I really want to do. So I edited my answers. There was a time when I did not do this.
I had an interview once in which I was blatantly honest. I did not get the job. But I was on top of the world at the end of it. Happy beyond measure. Because I'd told the truth.
To lie to myself and others is to diminish the life force inside of me. Creativity is my Truth. I vow, therefore, to only speak the Truth and nothing but the Truth.
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Monday, May 20, 2013
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Interview
Sometimes, I amaze myself.
I had a job interview this week: my first in a few years. While I am still under the employ of Planet Care, I send out resumes and applications periodically, in case there's a better job situation floating around somewhere. I look at it like fishing. I keep casting lines out into the sea of potential jobs to see if I get a bite. Quite surprisingly, a casual inquiry led me into the office of a small business owner looking for a Jane Do-All sort. An impromptu interview was arranged.
1) Do not arrive late.
I arrived two minutes late. And while that is not significantly late, one does not need any additional stress or self-doubt clouding one's psyche during an interview.
2) Bring a copy of your resume.
Additionally, I realized too late that I had not bothered to dig up a copy of my resume.
3) Dress better than you would under ordinary circumstances.
I walked in off the street, hurried, disheveled from a gusty wind, feeling the particular kind of gritty that comes from working around the flying cotton and hemp fibers at my second job and from sitting in the grease-coated interior of my boyfriend's Volvo. I had taken the time in between working at my two jobs to participate in this interview. I was dressed in the clothes that are appropriate for my sewing job and my can-stacking job.
The business office which I entered had a sterile environment. Walking in, I became aware of the expanse of floor space between the main desk and the front door. The walls were a dark color. There was no art hanging behind the desk. And there was no music. I become acutely aware of the lack of music in spaces that have none. This is an unnerving sensation.
Jane Do-All stood behind the desk. I walked the requisite floor space to bridge the gap between her and myself. "Are you Kathy?" she asked before I had a chance to ask if she was "Jane." I extended my hand to clasp hers.
Jane Do-All is a highly competent lady with a distinct sophistication. Most likely she is younger than me, but I felt like an untrained teenager in her presence. Which is not to say she was intimidating. On the contrary, she was most gracious and did her best to make a roustabout vagabond like myself feel welcome.
I became acutely aware of her appearance and the way every aspect of it was acceptable. The length of her hair, her choice of jewelry, the tasteful application of make-up, her standard issue shell dress, an understated confidence. The combination of all of these elements created a subtle air of professionalism which I admired.
Jane Do-All explained that Mister Master, the business owner, had stepped out but should return momentarily. She directed me to a lounge-like area to the side of her task station. Puffy fake leather chairs - or maybe they were real - in beige and red were clustered around a low table. A badly rendered floral painting with garish colors hung on one wall. I was instructed to have a seat. And within seconds, Mister Master arrived.
Mister Master sported a suit jacket over a t-shirt, along with jeans and boots. It is one of those familiar quirky looks reminiscent of a Woody Allen character or some cool guy one knew in the 80's. It is completely unoriginal and tired. And Mister Master struggled to keep it fresh and vibrant.
4) Even though people tell you to be yourself, don't do it.
The requisite polite banter ensued. I felt an air of discomfort. I examined this while attempting to maintain continuity in the banter. I was not personally uncomfortable. There was something about me that was making Mister Master and Jane Do-All uncomfortable. And I was picking up on this.
I tried not to psyche myself out. I tried to relax and be myself. But there was this nagging voice inside of me saying, "Act professional! Act professional!!!"
How can I act professional when I look like I just came in off the range?
Project confidence!
How do I project confidence?
Believe in yourself! Believe in your ability to do this job!
How do I know whether I can do this job when I don't know what this job entails?
"Here's what this job entails," said Jane Do-All. And she proceeded to explain all the do's that must be done.
5) Pretend like the job you are applying for is the most important thing in the world to you.
I interjected, whenever I felt an opportunity to do so, that I have experience in this capacity as a result of having been employed at X. And I have experience in that capacity as a result of having been employed at Y. And my employment at Z made me great at networking. At which point, Jane Do-All said, "You have a variety of experiences. What makes you choose the jobs you get?"
Panic.
No, no!!! Don't panic! You have an answer!
"Well, in the past I've looked for jobs that would challenge me...."
Good! Good!
"....jobs that would allow me to expand my skill set....."
Nice!
"......jobs that would enable me to learn and to grow as a person....."
A little over the top, but you're doing fine!
".....and to be honest, I was a single mother for years. I had to take whatever job would pay the bills....."
Mmmmm.......I'm not liking this direction.
".......Currently, however, I need a regular paycheck. I've had some unstable job situations in the past. Now I'm happy just to have the steady income."
No! Wrong direction! Turn back!!!
8) Do not mention your true passion in life. Rather, pretend that this job is of the utmost importance to you.
"My current job just doesn't pay me enough. I'm an artist. This is my vocation and the thing of primary importance in my life. I want to earn the money I need to survive so that I have the freedom to create."
Crap. We're sunk.
The professional woman and the business owner were uncomfortably silent for a few seconds. Until that point, they hadn't missed a beat. And this is when I realized I'd taken this being myself thing too far.
Mister Master explained that he was really hoping to find someone that would think of this do-all position as a career, not just a job. He was hoping to find someone that would feel excited about seeing the business not only flourish but expand. He wanted to find someone that would enjoy reaping the benefits of said expansion.
I wondered how I might reverse myself gracefully. Luckily Jane Do-All asked if I had any questions for them.
Ok! Here's your chance to come up with something that indicates your level of interest!
I asked her to describe her average day. She struggled to do this, which I found peculiar. The thing that immediately came to her was, "On Monday we meet with the bookkeeper who looks over all the receipts I've saved and everything I've entered into Quickbooks. Mostly I just sit around and wait for her to finish. That takes up most of the day. Sometimes we have meetings with CEO's of agencies. Sometimes I have to entertain clients."
"Anything else?" she asked after this vague description.
9) Do not further indicate your obvious lack of professionalism.
"Well, yes. I, um, forgive me if this seems superficial. But I came in today dressed as I normally dress - because I have to work at both of my jobs today and sandwiched this interview between them. I notice that your attire is more business-casual. And you carry an air of professionalism. Is this a vibe that you wish this office to maintain?"
What the hell? Are you actively trying to insult their intelligence?
The words escaped my mouth even as I realized it was an inane thing to ask. The damage was done. I needed to simply accept that some part of me had chosen to tank this interview. I may as well fully commit to that decision from this point on.
"Oh that isn't superficial at all. There are days when we meet with CEO's of different agencies and we feel it is important to dress up to their standards."
"Not me," says Mister Master. "I dress as I please."
"Well, that's not entirely true. Remember that time I wouldn't let you wear your hoodie."
I felt like that exchange was for my benefit.
At the end of our chat, Jane Do-All asked if there was anything else I wanted to ask or say.
"Yes. Thank-you for taking time to meet with me and tell me about your business. It sounds truly great. And I think that my skill set is compatible with the position you need to fill. However, I have to be completely honest with you and say that I would not view this as a career. It would be just a job for me. I am 50 years old and I've denied myself the opportunity to fully explore my creative life. At this stage in the game, making art is all that matters to me. So if you want someone who looks at this as a career, you would be short-selling yourself if you were to hire me. "
The shock was as thick as the metaphorical rope I'd bound myself in, the room as quiet as death.
"Well.....we....thank-you for your.....honesty."
The eyes darted anxiously around the room. No one knew how to end this interview. So I said, "Good luck on your search. Mister, great meeting you. Jane, thanks so much. You've both been most gracious." I stood, tossed my messenger bag over my shoulder and started toward the front door. Without turning around I said, "And if you decide you need an artist who just wants a job, call me."
They both laughed. Nervously. I'm sure they needed the release.
As I walked down the street, I felt giddy. This sensation mystified me when I had clearly thrown away my chance of securing a desk job. I examined the root of this sensation and realized that I had spoken the truth. And this was a liberating feeling. I had broken all the standard rules of engagement in an interview scenario and had been completely honest. Everything I said and everything I asked came from an honest place in me. Even when I asked, essentially, whether I would be expected to dress nicely. I really wanted to know if I needed to alter my personal dress code. I really wanted to know whether I needed to invest money in a new look. I needed to consider that piece of the daily grind.
I was absolutely true to myself. I indicated to the interviewers that I felt myself capable of performing the tasks associated with the position. I know in my heart that this is true. At the same time, I did not feel compelled to jump and spin and dance on my heels for their amusement. I inquired about a job. They had a job. It was pretty cut and dry to me. It only became dishonest when tainted with the thought that I must turn this job - which was just a job - into a career. I was simply unwilling to assume that attitude. It made no sense to me to do this. I would work and work hard. But at the end of the day, I would care no more for this job than for the job of stacking cans on shelves.
These realizations made me appreciate my current job at Planet Care. When I clock out at the end of the day, I can release the job and engage in the activities from which I derive a deep-seated satisfaction. I can make things. And there is nothing and no one connected with Planet Care that demands anything otherwise.
I wonder, if I had not been employed and had gone on this job interview, would I have conducted myself in the same manner? Did I insult Jane Do-All and Mister Master by my lack of interest in the standard interview process? Will I ever find a job that I might treat as a career? At the end of the day, none of this matters. We can only answer to our inner knowing in any given moment. The moment of the interview has passed. I am currently in the moment of making as I pound out letters on the keyboard, forming words that coalesce into sentences.
I hope this moment of making, which has been so completely satisfying to me, brings you some degree of enjoyment.
To re-cap:
If you want to succeed in a standard interview scenario, heed the following:
1) If you don't care enough to be on time for the interview, most likely you won't care enough about getting the job.
2) Ordinary clothes get you an ordinary job.
3) Bring a copy of your resume with you.
4) If you choose to be yourself, be willing to accept the accompanying consequences.
5) Commit to your enthusiasm. It doesn't have to be false when you make a conscious decision to pursue it.
6) Act thoroughly interested and excited about everything that the prospective boss tells you.
7) Do not mention your true passion in life. Rather, pretend that this job is of the utmost importance to you.
And for bonus points:
8) Laugh enthusiastically at the prospective boss' jokes, no matter if you understand them or not.
I had a job interview this week: my first in a few years. While I am still under the employ of Planet Care, I send out resumes and applications periodically, in case there's a better job situation floating around somewhere. I look at it like fishing. I keep casting lines out into the sea of potential jobs to see if I get a bite. Quite surprisingly, a casual inquiry led me into the office of a small business owner looking for a Jane Do-All sort. An impromptu interview was arranged.
1) Do not arrive late.
I arrived two minutes late. And while that is not significantly late, one does not need any additional stress or self-doubt clouding one's psyche during an interview.
2) Bring a copy of your resume.
Additionally, I realized too late that I had not bothered to dig up a copy of my resume.
3) Dress better than you would under ordinary circumstances.
I walked in off the street, hurried, disheveled from a gusty wind, feeling the particular kind of gritty that comes from working around the flying cotton and hemp fibers at my second job and from sitting in the grease-coated interior of my boyfriend's Volvo. I had taken the time in between working at my two jobs to participate in this interview. I was dressed in the clothes that are appropriate for my sewing job and my can-stacking job.
The business office which I entered had a sterile environment. Walking in, I became aware of the expanse of floor space between the main desk and the front door. The walls were a dark color. There was no art hanging behind the desk. And there was no music. I become acutely aware of the lack of music in spaces that have none. This is an unnerving sensation.
Jane Do-All stood behind the desk. I walked the requisite floor space to bridge the gap between her and myself. "Are you Kathy?" she asked before I had a chance to ask if she was "Jane." I extended my hand to clasp hers.
Jane Do-All is a highly competent lady with a distinct sophistication. Most likely she is younger than me, but I felt like an untrained teenager in her presence. Which is not to say she was intimidating. On the contrary, she was most gracious and did her best to make a roustabout vagabond like myself feel welcome.
I became acutely aware of her appearance and the way every aspect of it was acceptable. The length of her hair, her choice of jewelry, the tasteful application of make-up, her standard issue shell dress, an understated confidence. The combination of all of these elements created a subtle air of professionalism which I admired.
Jane Do-All explained that Mister Master, the business owner, had stepped out but should return momentarily. She directed me to a lounge-like area to the side of her task station. Puffy fake leather chairs - or maybe they were real - in beige and red were clustered around a low table. A badly rendered floral painting with garish colors hung on one wall. I was instructed to have a seat. And within seconds, Mister Master arrived.
Mister Master sported a suit jacket over a t-shirt, along with jeans and boots. It is one of those familiar quirky looks reminiscent of a Woody Allen character or some cool guy one knew in the 80's. It is completely unoriginal and tired. And Mister Master struggled to keep it fresh and vibrant.
4) Even though people tell you to be yourself, don't do it.
The requisite polite banter ensued. I felt an air of discomfort. I examined this while attempting to maintain continuity in the banter. I was not personally uncomfortable. There was something about me that was making Mister Master and Jane Do-All uncomfortable. And I was picking up on this.
I tried not to psyche myself out. I tried to relax and be myself. But there was this nagging voice inside of me saying, "Act professional! Act professional!!!"
How can I act professional when I look like I just came in off the range?
Project confidence!
How do I project confidence?
Believe in yourself! Believe in your ability to do this job!
How do I know whether I can do this job when I don't know what this job entails?
"Here's what this job entails," said Jane Do-All. And she proceeded to explain all the do's that must be done.
5) Pretend like the job you are applying for is the most important thing in the world to you.
I interjected, whenever I felt an opportunity to do so, that I have experience in this capacity as a result of having been employed at X. And I have experience in that capacity as a result of having been employed at Y. And my employment at Z made me great at networking. At which point, Jane Do-All said, "You have a variety of experiences. What makes you choose the jobs you get?"
Panic.
No, no!!! Don't panic! You have an answer!
"Well, in the past I've looked for jobs that would challenge me...."
Good! Good!
"....jobs that would allow me to expand my skill set....."
Nice!
"......jobs that would enable me to learn and to grow as a person....."
A little over the top, but you're doing fine!
".....and to be honest, I was a single mother for years. I had to take whatever job would pay the bills....."
Mmmmm.......I'm not liking this direction.
".......Currently, however, I need a regular paycheck. I've had some unstable job situations in the past. Now I'm happy just to have the steady income."
No! Wrong direction! Turn back!!!
8) Do not mention your true passion in life. Rather, pretend that this job is of the utmost importance to you.
"My current job just doesn't pay me enough. I'm an artist. This is my vocation and the thing of primary importance in my life. I want to earn the money I need to survive so that I have the freedom to create."
Crap. We're sunk.
The professional woman and the business owner were uncomfortably silent for a few seconds. Until that point, they hadn't missed a beat. And this is when I realized I'd taken this being myself thing too far.
Mister Master explained that he was really hoping to find someone that would think of this do-all position as a career, not just a job. He was hoping to find someone that would feel excited about seeing the business not only flourish but expand. He wanted to find someone that would enjoy reaping the benefits of said expansion.
I wondered how I might reverse myself gracefully. Luckily Jane Do-All asked if I had any questions for them.
Ok! Here's your chance to come up with something that indicates your level of interest!
I asked her to describe her average day. She struggled to do this, which I found peculiar. The thing that immediately came to her was, "On Monday we meet with the bookkeeper who looks over all the receipts I've saved and everything I've entered into Quickbooks. Mostly I just sit around and wait for her to finish. That takes up most of the day. Sometimes we have meetings with CEO's of agencies. Sometimes I have to entertain clients."
"Anything else?" she asked after this vague description.
9) Do not further indicate your obvious lack of professionalism.
"Well, yes. I, um, forgive me if this seems superficial. But I came in today dressed as I normally dress - because I have to work at both of my jobs today and sandwiched this interview between them. I notice that your attire is more business-casual. And you carry an air of professionalism. Is this a vibe that you wish this office to maintain?"
What the hell? Are you actively trying to insult their intelligence?
The words escaped my mouth even as I realized it was an inane thing to ask. The damage was done. I needed to simply accept that some part of me had chosen to tank this interview. I may as well fully commit to that decision from this point on.
"Oh that isn't superficial at all. There are days when we meet with CEO's of different agencies and we feel it is important to dress up to their standards."
"Not me," says Mister Master. "I dress as I please."
"Well, that's not entirely true. Remember that time I wouldn't let you wear your hoodie."
I felt like that exchange was for my benefit.
At the end of our chat, Jane Do-All asked if there was anything else I wanted to ask or say.
"Yes. Thank-you for taking time to meet with me and tell me about your business. It sounds truly great. And I think that my skill set is compatible with the position you need to fill. However, I have to be completely honest with you and say that I would not view this as a career. It would be just a job for me. I am 50 years old and I've denied myself the opportunity to fully explore my creative life. At this stage in the game, making art is all that matters to me. So if you want someone who looks at this as a career, you would be short-selling yourself if you were to hire me. "
The shock was as thick as the metaphorical rope I'd bound myself in, the room as quiet as death.
"Well.....we....thank-you for your.....honesty."
The eyes darted anxiously around the room. No one knew how to end this interview. So I said, "Good luck on your search. Mister, great meeting you. Jane, thanks so much. You've both been most gracious." I stood, tossed my messenger bag over my shoulder and started toward the front door. Without turning around I said, "And if you decide you need an artist who just wants a job, call me."
They both laughed. Nervously. I'm sure they needed the release.
As I walked down the street, I felt giddy. This sensation mystified me when I had clearly thrown away my chance of securing a desk job. I examined the root of this sensation and realized that I had spoken the truth. And this was a liberating feeling. I had broken all the standard rules of engagement in an interview scenario and had been completely honest. Everything I said and everything I asked came from an honest place in me. Even when I asked, essentially, whether I would be expected to dress nicely. I really wanted to know if I needed to alter my personal dress code. I really wanted to know whether I needed to invest money in a new look. I needed to consider that piece of the daily grind.
I was absolutely true to myself. I indicated to the interviewers that I felt myself capable of performing the tasks associated with the position. I know in my heart that this is true. At the same time, I did not feel compelled to jump and spin and dance on my heels for their amusement. I inquired about a job. They had a job. It was pretty cut and dry to me. It only became dishonest when tainted with the thought that I must turn this job - which was just a job - into a career. I was simply unwilling to assume that attitude. It made no sense to me to do this. I would work and work hard. But at the end of the day, I would care no more for this job than for the job of stacking cans on shelves.
These realizations made me appreciate my current job at Planet Care. When I clock out at the end of the day, I can release the job and engage in the activities from which I derive a deep-seated satisfaction. I can make things. And there is nothing and no one connected with Planet Care that demands anything otherwise.
I wonder, if I had not been employed and had gone on this job interview, would I have conducted myself in the same manner? Did I insult Jane Do-All and Mister Master by my lack of interest in the standard interview process? Will I ever find a job that I might treat as a career? At the end of the day, none of this matters. We can only answer to our inner knowing in any given moment. The moment of the interview has passed. I am currently in the moment of making as I pound out letters on the keyboard, forming words that coalesce into sentences.
I hope this moment of making, which has been so completely satisfying to me, brings you some degree of enjoyment.
To re-cap:
If you want to succeed in a standard interview scenario, heed the following:
1) If you don't care enough to be on time for the interview, most likely you won't care enough about getting the job.
2) Ordinary clothes get you an ordinary job.
3) Bring a copy of your resume with you.
4) If you choose to be yourself, be willing to accept the accompanying consequences.
5) Commit to your enthusiasm. It doesn't have to be false when you make a conscious decision to pursue it.
6) Act thoroughly interested and excited about everything that the prospective boss tells you.
7) Do not mention your true passion in life. Rather, pretend that this job is of the utmost importance to you.
And for bonus points:
8) Laugh enthusiastically at the prospective boss' jokes, no matter if you understand them or not.
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