Driving along Friendly Avenue, I encountered a cow. A Chick-fil-A cow. A person, that is to say, hired by Chick-fil-A to dress in a cow suit and stand by the side of the road for the purpose of luring people to the Chick-fil-A eating establishment. As I drove past, I considered the combined effect of North Carolina's summertime temperature with the fake fur cow suit covering every inch of one's body, the dancing and gesturing activity performed by the person wearing this suit along with the heat of the sun and cars being reflected off the surface of the road and the sidewalk. I drove all the way to Holden, turned left, then turned right on Madison Avenue before I realized that I had to go back and rescue this cow.
I drove back to Pembroke and Friendly where the cow was dancing about. I turned into Pembroke and proceeded left into the parking lot behind Chick-fil-A to look for a parking space. The recent publicity regarding Chick-fil-A's stance on same-sex marriage has not affected business at this location. It was bustling. The closest parking space I found bordered the Whole Foods parking lot. I pulled into a space and proceeded by foot towards the cow.
I walked down the sidewalk towards the cow. As I drew near, the cow waved enthusiastically. When I was close enough to speak without yelling, I said, "What's up, cow?"
The cow danced merrily about.
"What the heck are you doing out here in this heat, cow?"
The cow wriggled and gesticulated.
"It's friggin' hot out here, cow. Do you have any water?"
The cow shook it's head.
"If I go get you some water, will you be able to drink it?"
The cow shook it's head and made a dismissive gesture.
"Why not? Your costume doesn't have a mouth hole?"
The cow shrugged and danced about.
"I'm worried about you. Do you have any kind of cooling agent in that suit?"
The cow made another dismissive gesture and gave me two thumbs up.
"How long do you have to do this?"
The cow tilted its head and did a so-so gesture with its hands.
"Are you paid a lot of money to do this?"
The cow kind of shrugged then gave me a thumbs up.
"Do you want to sit in my air-conditioned car for a minute?"
The cow shook its head and gave me an insistent thumbs up.
"Ok. Well, I worry about you, cow. I don't want you to die of heat exhaustion. That's all."
The cow gave me a coy dismissive gesture and two thumbs up.
"Ok. I'm going now cow. Take care of yourself."
The cow danced about and gave me two thumbs up.
I walked away feeling a little disappointed. What had I hoped would happen? I think I expected the cow to speak to me. I would have liked it if the cow had taken off it's cow's head and revealed the human underneath. I would have liked it if the cow had taken water from me, had told me how little it gets paid to stand out in the heat in a fake fur suit that covers every inch of his/her body. I would have liked it if the cow had come to sit in my air-conditioned car and told me about his/her life as a Chick-fil-A cow. How did he/she get here? What did she/he hope to accomplish in life? How will he/she survive such adverse conditions? I would have liked it if the cow had decided to leave Chick-fil-A and gone to a water hole with me to take a dip.
I have to say, though, I was impressed that the cow stayed completely in character. This is the stuff of great actors.
Additionally, I marveled at the fact that if this had been a dog chained to the side of the road in this heat, all manner of folks would have gotten upset and marched into Chick-fil-A to abuse the owner of the dog. But because this is a person who decided to work for Chick-fil-A in this capacity, no one gives a fuck. Why should they? I guess there's no reason. People get paid shit to do shit. That's the way of it.
I got into my car and drove away from the cow on the side of the road and lamented the firm hold that the work-a-day world has on us all. I drove to my house-cleaning gig in a car that once belonged to my Great Aunt Minnie Lee. Impulsively, I lifted open the armrest and grabbed a cassette that also previously belonged to Great Aunt Minnie Lee: "The Best of Piano By Candlelight Vol. II." Without thinking, I put the cassette into the cassette player. The song that played was "The Greatest Love of All" - an instrumental rendition with grand, sweeping piano accompanied by strings.
When I arrived at the Mavronikolases' house, I told Ruth and Chris the tale of my attempt to rescue the cow by the side of the road. Chris launched into a lengthy diatribe about the burning of the library at Alexandria by Ceasar and other such attempts to destroy the quest for knowledge. Ruth impatiently interjected, "So should she have given water to the cow?" Chris responded, "Her attempt to give water to the cow was an act of humanity. The only hope we have."
All is not yet lost. According to Chris Mavronikolas.
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