"I will tear you to shreds."
These words, even read without the hostile inflection in which they were delivered orally, denote a certain violence. Yes?
I have a co-worker who likes to watch movies that I would call violent, sadistic and depraved but which the co-worker would call "funny." My son, who is 23, tells me that his generation has become completely desensitized to violence and that torture porn is regarded as such: funny.
The truth of the matter is this: I am too sensitive for this world. I am unable to endure even the descriptions of sadistic movies without feeling sick, hurt, angered, saddened and even threatened. My co-worker is aware of this aspect of my personality. Yet she relished telling me the most distasteful details of a recent torture porn release. After repeatedly asking her to stop planting images in my brain that I did not want, she continued, in much the same way Lisa Simpson repeatedly pokes Bart's sore arm in a Christmas episode of The Simpson's.
I have a notion, based on Buddhist teachings, that viewing films of this nature perpetuates the cycle of violence in our society. When I posited this theory to said co-worker, her hostility intensified tenfold and she demanded to know what I meant. "Do you mean that just because I watched this movie I'm going to do the things that were done in it?" No, not exactly. "Well what do you mean? I'm really interested!" I did not feel the need to articulate what I meant. Her aggressive tone served as a perfect example. Besides, I felt sickened from the heat of her skyrocketing rage. So I walked away. And cried.
This co-worker's hostility continued to spiral out of control over the next couple of days, culminating in the statement, "I will tear you to shreds." Twice, she said this to me, being just as emphatic the second time as the first - further validating my Buddhist-inspired notion.
What is it that makes people want to continuously prod a sensitive area in another person's psyche, or in the case of Lisa Simpson, on another person's body? What makes people want to inflict pain for the sake of their personal amusement? I feel certain there are volumes addressing this question in psychological canon. In my overly simplistic world view, it seems that this sort of behavior is called bullying and it occurs when one person wishes to exercise power and control over another person - or over a situation - by manipulating their feelings or directly attacking them.
Let's talk about my brother for a moment. My brother has many psychological issues that need to be addressed. Rather than invest his time and energy into that prospect, he chooses to torment those around him.
There is a 44 year history of bullying and abuse exacted upon me by my brother. I stay removed from his life and that of his family's simply because I cannot bear to subject myself to any more of his toxicity. I do, however, continue to go to family gatherings. But after tonight, that may change.
The goal was to be happy and celebrate my sister's birthday with family. Upon arriving at my parent's house, all was calm and bright. My brother arrived shortly after and all this changed.
My brother has the sort of bottled-up angry energy that resides just under the surface waiting for the opportune moment to be unleashed. He reminds me a lot of the Chris Cooper character in American Beauty and I anticipate the eventual unloading of his violent rage in a similar manner. That said, it is pretty difficult for me to endure being in the same room as my brother.
My brother likes to complain about the unhealthy conditions of the environment. He likes to complain about the unhealthy conditions in restaurants. He likes to complain about the unhealthy conditions in pretty much all public places. The Fair is his worst hygienic nightmare. He tells his children not to play in creeks because of the waste that gets dumped into them. In heightened dramatic form, he warned the entire family at a family cookout that the hot dogs I had contributed contained no nitrates or nitrites. "If you eat these," he said, "you could die."
My brother always has some news to report based on some documentary he's watched that exposes the hacks that pass themselves off as doctors. Currently, his favorite crusade is to stop all people from having the flu vaccine. And he used this crusade as a segue into talking about my condition, idiopathic thombocytepenic purpura, or ITP for short.
My brother said he's been researching all the harmful effects of the flu vaccine and he tells me that ITP is one of them. I tell him that I'd never had a flu shot in my life until I prepared to have my spleen out. It is one of three required vaccinations to have prior to a splenectomy. My brother shook his head and told me that flu shots inject all sorts of poisons into your body. I told him, "Oh well. Had to have it to get my surgery." He said, "That's just stupid. I would have told my doctor no." I said, "And then your doctor would tell you that you couldn't have the surgery."
And then my brother started to tell me that doctors are so eager to cut things out of a body and could be doing more harm than good. And I ask my brother why he is telling me this - after I've had two surgeries: one for breast cancer, one for ITP. He tells me that it is not good to become complacent when dealing with doctors and begins to rattle off on his dusty diatribe yet again.
Whoa.
I said to him, "You know nothing of my history."
"Yes I do."
"You know nothing of what I've been through for the past five years." Which is true. I do not share this information with him voluntarily. He does not concern himself with knowing. Why he has chosen this moment on this day - a day reserved to celebrate my sister's birthday - to suddenly lecture me on complacency is a complete mystery. Much in the same way as my co-worker prodding me endlessly with descriptions of the newest torture porn flick is a mystery.
My brother reaffirmed that he knows my history. He told me that I've had a couple of life-threatening illnesses that have scared me. That was his synopsis of the past five years. Somehow he overlooked my constant struggle with following doctors' recommendations and looking for natural cures. He overlooked the various natural methods I'd tried, and the vast amounts of monies spent on these methods. He never came forward with any useful advice during the past five years. And now he is condemning me for having surgery. Twice.
I did the only thing I knew to do when a bully attacks me. I walked away. I grabbed my coat and bag, quivering on the verge of angry tears, and drove away from my parent's house and my sister's birthday celebration. In the car on the highway, I cried. And I screamed out as much of the repressed anger that I possibly could without endangering my life or the lives of people in vehicles around me.
This week, a 10 year-old Raleigh girl killed herself. It turns out she was too sensitive for this world, too. And being incapable of walking away from the bullies who harassed her at school, she walked away from life in order to snuff out the pain.
Bullying is such an accepted form of behavior in our society that we often fail to notice its more subtle manifestations. It is easy to recognize the statement, "I will tear you to shreds" as the words of a bully. Whereas, it is less easy to recognize the rambling rant of my brother as a bullying tactic. But that is what it boils down to.
My brother is aware that I have had two life-threatening illnesses. He is aware that I have opted for surgery in both instances. He lectures me on the ills of conventional medicine and surgery after I have subjected myself to these ills. What would be the point of doing this if not to make me feel bad about my decisions? What would be the point of making me feel bad about my decisions? He needs to feel powerful and all-knowing. He has to bring me down so that he will feel powerful. I think this fits the bully profile.
I won't quit life like the precious being in Raleigh who couldn't bear another day of being teased about her clothes. I will, however, continue to walk away from and condemn bullying in all its forms. I will draw the necessary boundaries for myself and help others who fall prey to insensitive people.
Join me.
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