I was with a team of investigators exploring a derelict old house. Our hope was solve a series of strange disappearances which had yielded remnants of human tissue but no substantial body parts. Foul play was definitely at work. And a grave sense of evil loomed over this ramshackle structure.
We wandered about the house finding residues of human blood and tissue. We collected samples of everything we found. But when we entered a room that was covered in gore, we stood paralyzed, wondering where to begin.
It soon became apparent that a supernatural force much greater than a mere mortal was running rampant - yet contained in a single house. Once a human entered this house, she was at the mercy of this force. This force - whatever it was - threatened not only to extinguish the life of any human in its presence, but to consume her soul. Thus, this person would be completely obliterated with no trace of her existence remaining.
The monsters that manifested in my dream had human form. But they were grotesque and hideous exaggerations of humans. They were zombie-like: mindless eating machines.
The monsters were organized into different strata, creating a monster hierarchy. Labor was divided into The Grunts, who mindlessly ran amok maiming and mangling humans. Then there were The Overlords: the monster supervisors. There were a couple of tiers of supervisors, kind of like middle management and upper management. Then there was the big CEO monster who was slightly deified by the middle and upper management monsters.
The Grunt monsters were the most immediately threatening as they were the ones responsible for actually killing the humans. But they had no reasoning faculties. So it was easy to confuse them. Once befuddled, they became ineffectual.
The middle and upper management teams plotted their evil take-over of all things good and pure, but were interrupted when the Grunts were stymied. It became necessary to motivate the Grunts anew. Overseeing this massive cluster fuck was the CEO / Deity monster, who lost patience and reminded his workers that the goal was complete devastation, loss and despair. Total annihilation.
In a moment of clarity, I realized that I was in a dream and I could change the course of my fate. I could, for example, conjure the power of flight. This awareness propelled me to climb onto a cement window frame and prepare to leap into the void and soar to freedom and safety. But as I perched on the window frame, I prevented myself from doing this. It was as if I had decided that total annihilation was my lot in life and I must accept that grim reality.
In trying to piece together some semblance of meaning to this bizarre dream, I wondered today whether a fear of death might be at the root of it all. Not my own death. I am actually not afraid of dying. I am, however, afraid of losing the presence of loved ones.
I cannot comprehend death. I cannot accept that the life of a beloved will one day cease and all evidence of their existence will remain in objects. But the quality of that being - their essence - will forever be removed from my experience.
For example, I have been thinking of Lee Wallace a lot lately. He is quite ill with pulmonary fibrosis. And there is nothing to do, apparently. Lee will die as the result of this illness. This awareness creates a great deal of distress at the core of my being. I met Lee just this year and have become incredibly fond of his unique manifestation on this planet. I selfishly wish to benefit from his presence for a while.
I am afraid of Lee Wallace's death. Because it would mean a cessation of his expression. His Voice - the manifestation of his Creativity - will be extinguished. Material artifacts reminding us of his Creativity will remain. But the experience of running into Lee at random places, conversing with him about nothing in particular and listening to him play guitar will be no more. This is inconceivable. It is just wrong.
I have a fear that all Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love will ultimately be snuffed out by all the ills of the world. The ugliness, prejudice, pestilence and fear of this material world perpetually threaten the fragile beauty of the Creative World. Monsters annihilating Humans.
On a different level, it is curious that the hierarchy of monsters in my dream parallels the hierarchy at Planet Care. This begs the question, "Am I annihilating my soul by working at Planet Care? And am I resigned to this fate, unwilling or even unable to change my it?"
I frequently become frustrated with my life as a Grunt. I feel the need to free myself from the confines of the corporate artifice - not that anything is wrong with the corporate artifice. It can exist within the walls of the derelict old house. I would just rather soar into the fresh air and daylight of expression, allowing the manifestation of my own Voice and my innate, yet dormant, Leader.
But if I were to fly, where would I go? How would I make money? How can I justify leaping into the void when there are bills to pay and health insurance to be kept? I cannot answer these questions. And so, I step back into the house of carnage and accept my fate. Total annihilation. The stifling of my creative voice.
I suppose this dream may have been created out of the dread of an imminent customer service training class at Planet Care.
Periodically, the Grunts of Planet Care are expected to attend Planet Care pep rallies in which they are praised for a job well done and encouraged to do their jobs even better. One such rally is fast approaching. In a few days I will attend a mandatory two hour-long customer service training session. During this session I expect to be taught how to better serve the public. I expect to be taught how to be cordial, welcoming, helpful, and most of all, how to sell more products. Because the bottom line is this: by giving good customer service, we will increase sales.
I will subject myself to the stultifying effects of corporate jargon and attempt to escape alive and unscathed, soul intact. Yet as I sit for two hours, aware of the erosion of my mind, it will be difficult for me to avoid thinking of monsters that want to annihilate me. And me, perched on a window frame, free to fly away, but choosing not to.
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